“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind.” – The Dhammapada
It sounds counter-intuitive, but for me, my divorce in 2010 was a conscious move toward love. It was toward a future “something” that I knew could be deeper and more connected than I could imagine—not just with a future partner, but with my friends, my family, my beautiful girls (6 and 8 at the time) and most of all, with myself. I had been thinking a lot about love- my highest value along with truth- and to set the intention, to seal it, to glorify it, a few months after my former husband moved out, I decided the girls and I needed a “Love Wall.” I had happily given him every piece of original hanging art we had bought together, blessing the memories but not wanting the energy anymore, so my little house had a lot of open space. The girls and I huddled, planned, agreed, and on a blank wall in our dining room, we painted a giant, shimmery gold square backdrop, and sat in awe of the vibration of the color—lightfulness and glittery hope. Then, we started hanging love art—works by the girls, my 92 year- old artist grandmother, and two Santa Cruz artists. We added some other love-themed randomness, and we knew when it was done. The energy around it was amazing, magical, and admiring our work, Amelia said it best, “I love it.”
This past month, I set a laser focused intention for healing. I wrote in my last two blogs about how a relationship ending in July triggered buried sadness about two other endings, and how my body, doing its best, reacted by creating a physical manifestation of the pain…a small kidney stone. Having had so much success and healing with my other health issues, I went to work and set an intention to dissolve this stone before the scheduled surgery two weeks out. (Simply having it removed, outpatient, no incisions, seemed preferable to two months of medicine.) I laid in bed every night, imagined it like a small clump of hard mud, imagined where it was in my body, and sent love—at first in the visualization of love-rain falling gently on it, washing away the surface, and then a love-powerspray, like a garden hose on “soak” , and that worked better, pieces of it flying off. The girls put their hands on me too—it was a team effort. I was so convinced it was gone that on Monday, three days before the surgery, I went in for the required bloodwork, and everything came back normal. Can you say triumphant? I insisted on a CT scan the following day to prove it was gone to my skeptical surgeon, but sadly, there on the film was that darn stone, in the same place on my right side. I tried some deep breaths on the drive home. Why couldn’t I get rid of it in time? Why the disparity? Why did I have to go through this?
At UCSF Medical Center, prepping for surgery that Thursday afternoon, my body felt outrageously scared, like it was about to be violated, like this was wrong—I couldn’t control the racing fear. I was talking too much to the anesthesiologists, silently begging my spirit guides to watch over me while I was unconscious, systematically grounding the room, wishing I could reach my healing crystal in my purse, wondering why my doctor seemed so handsome all of a sudden, thinking about the other patients behind the thin curtains and how they probably had something more serious going on than me, saying a prayer for them, double checking that they’d give me anti-nausea medicine because I hate feeling sick, hearing someone say they were going to give me something for the obvious anxiety, and then I was out.
When I opened my eyes an hour and a half later, my exasperated doctor, sitting in a stool by my bed, ran his fingers through his hair, said, “There was no stone. I cannot explain it. There wasn’t even a sign it had been there. Just nothing.”
When we set an intention, in this case healing, with our open heart and purest soul and the belief in every cell of our body that it come true—we feel it, we see it, we can taste its glory- something magical happens. The universe hears us, springs into motion on our behalf, and the manifestation process starts. But this is the catch. We don’t get to choose the timing. It dawned on me right then as he was talking to me. It hadn’t vanished in time for me to avoid the surgery. I just laid there so sore I could barely move.
See, I do think the stone was energetically gone on Monday but not physically—it was physically gone by the time I went into surgery, obviously. Keep in mind that our physical bodies are denser, operating in time and space. Our minds and spirits can move so quickly—learn, dream, transform, envision healing—but our bodies need to catch up and can sometimes seem like a puppy being dragged behind. I was tearing up with pity for my sore body and having to go through that surgery, but thankful I was completely healed, also massively frustrated about the timing, totally weak and hungry from having fasted all day, and certainly, ready to go home.
The next day, along with some Tylenol, I reminded myself that the universe IS up underneath me, that everything is happening as it is supposed to, that nothing is an accident, that everything happening to me is for my greater good, for my growth and enlightenment. Maybe that surgery gives me compassion for all the others who have gone under, feeling scared. Maybe it is simply so I can tell you this story and give you hope in the power of your amazingly powerful mind and intentions.
Thankfully, the girls and I felt the effects of the Love Wall immediately. That dining room glowed, that gold wall shimmering, and provided a daily reminder of what we were truly about in the backdrop of our family’s deepest experience of sadness. Love reigns. Love is here. Love is all around us. I surrendered to the timing, and love started showing up everywhere– in a girlfriend at work who has become a lifeline and soul-sister, in the continuing closeness and silliness between me and my beloved girls, in the dinner parties of loving spiritual peeps who eat around that table, in the finches and hummingbirds that flock daily to our feeders, in the possibility of the open-hearted men that have come into my life, in the glowing red fall leaves in our Buddha garden, and most of all, in the love for myself as I try my best to BE LOVE and to wait patiently for all my intentions to come true.