It’s Not the Sadness that’s Hurting You

“Sad, painful, angry emotions are NOT hurting you.  What is hurting you is the energy you expend in resisting them.”

I had a blood test with my nephrologist (kidney doctor) the day after things ended between me and my boyfriend. Although we had this magic intense love and connection between us, some peripheral issues had been driving the relationship south. That day, the finality of it being over, the tears between us, the all-encompassing sadness, landed in my heart like a weighted thud.  Do you know that feeling? I closed my windows at home and really cried, really tried to get it out, and then, when I started to scare myself at how sad I was feeling, how loud my sobbing sounded, I decided it was time to tuck in my shirt and fold the laundry.

The next day blood test didn’t come out as well as usual, and it showed one sign of activity in my kidney disease that has been in remission for two years. What?? I panicked. I had a feeling my toxic sadness tipped the scales, but my doctor assured me that wasn’t the case, saying that emotions don’t affect one’s kidneys.

Deep in my core of truth, I know better. So being a motivated person and someone who gets things done, for the past two weeks, I have been trying to suppress the sadness, and instead trying to be happy, to move through the world busy busy busy and thinking of good things, how blessed I am, how I love my career and my girls, and how love will surely find me again someday. I AM love. I am strong. The next blood test will be better because I am almost over this!

Waiting for some other test results, I decided to go ahead as planned on my personal vacation trip to L.A. I spent today with one of my new spiritual teachers, also highly intuitive, and after I shared my nervousness about this kidney issue, she offered “Sad, painful, angry emotions are not hurting you.  What is hurting you is the energy you expend on resisting them.”

The truth of this– how I try so hard to contain things sometimes, to show the world the powerful “me”, plus, how hard I am on myself- started the tears pouring and to be honest, during our four hours of work together, I cried almost the whole time, sometimes just tears dripping, sometimes more sobbing. I was embarrassed at first but then just let go. I felt like I was crying out all those tears not just from this loss, but so many other sadnesses that I have put a lid on this year. And you know what? I feel cleared, clean, light. The densest energy moved out. Is the sadness all gone? No. But, because I let in some self-love and self-acceptance today, the sadness has an increased quality of tenderness, without that harmful sharp edge. And that is healthy.

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